I wasn't going to write a post this week but I thought of an idea at 6am this morning, lost it by the time I was going to start writing it, then found it again. So here I am. If you read the title then you're probably preparing yourself for another ranting. And you'd be correct!
Ha, no it's not going to be that bad. I hope.
I am very aware that as a writer, who wants people to read her work, needs to be seen in some form. I hide behind my pen name and my writing as much as possible but it's my everyday life that I feel the real need to be seen. As a (possibly) normal human I find myself wanting more attention than my brain tells me I need.
I absolutely hate it. I don't want to be seen. I don't want people to pay attention to me, unless I am speaking directly to them, otherwise, leave me alone. However, the last few months my brain has been craving something different. Whether it's actually my brain and not my lack of some sort of chemical, I don't know.
I've been feeling like I'm on the edge of a break down all the time, and yet I'm numb to everything around me. Maybe it's because my husband, who is going back to school, isn't around as much. We made a deal, I started the deal, I understand the deal. I hate the deal.
The deal is that when we get home from work, since he no longer WFH, he goes and starts on school stuff. Studying, assignments, etc. Then when I'm ready, I make dinner and give him his plate in the office where he continues to do work until bed time. I do my usual stuff, writing, watching TV, the occasional time for reading, dealing with Bruce Wayne (the dog not the billionaire) and then bed when it's time.
This weekend has been different. I've had huge jealous explosions about not getting enough attention when I'm the one that made the deal on how we'll deal with us both working out of the home and him getting his next degree. I set myself up and I tell myself that I should go in the office and ask for attention when it would be distracting. He's told me if I need to I can go in there and ask, but it doesn't feel right. It feels like I need to suffer instead of reaching out and I don't know how to stop that.
If I dig deep enough I know it's because when I asked for attention growing up I was always shoved away. I do well on my own. Had I not gotten married when I was 19, I would have been fine working a normal job and supporting myself, which I was doing before I met Rick. Now, when I feel alone and secluded but I don't want to be, I shove everyone around me away and expect them to understand.
It makes things so much worse for my husband who has to deal with me shoving him away and being angry that he's not attached at my hip. Being a person is dumb and it's hard to change heavy set ways but I really need to try. I need to try hard because the person who loves me, and I know he does, doesn't deserve to be shoved away. There's a revenge deep in my soul that needs to be filled from years of neglect that I just make things worse.
This week, or hopefully by the end of the month, I'm going to get seen and get evaluated. I know there are things I need to deal with and not throw meds at but there are things I absolutely need to be on medications for and to do that I need to be seen.
If anyone struggles with the same things I do, I am very sorry. The constant tug-o-war within me gives me a headache and makes me hard to live with. It isn't just enough to recognize this stuff, but to deal and cope with it until you learn to not explode.
I terribly do not want attention but there is a need to be seen that can't be snuffed out. That's my battle and I'm not winning it.
Maybe that's my new year's resolution (something I hate making). Finally dealing with the shit that makes me explode and throw myself into a child-like fit that never really gets solved.
Let's be better this year. Not just for the people around us, but for ourselves. If I can work on improving my writing, then I can work on improving myself. It's just going to take a few professionals to help me get there.