I think I write these posts too much on why I have difficulties, when it isn't 24/7 that I'm having trouble. I need to think about and remember why I started writing.
It wasn't to get published, I know very few people that started that way. I wanted to write the stories I create and see play out in my head. It started when I was fourteen and turned a two page essay assignment into a twenty page short story that was riddled with mistakes and barely stood well on its own. My teacher loved it, as she would any of her students work. I had warned her ahead of time that it would be longer than requested.
Remembering that brings me weird warm feelings of just starting out. I didn't really get back into it until I was 19, just got out of my homeless situation, and was working and living for myself. I found Wattpad through this guy I had seen for a bit (literally slept with him once and got out quick because he was weird, I won't go into details.)
I started writing on Wattpad, silly stories that didn't gain any traction until I began to write The Cursed Prince, years later. I had so much fun updating and exploring those silly stories because I wasn't giving them the pressure of having to be perfect or deadlines for querying, etc. I want to find that spark again, the love of writing just to write. I get too into my head and think that everything has to be perfect from the start.
Something I tell myself all the time, but rarely take to heart; The first draft needs to be messy. If I can take the bitterness and the self doubt out of my writing, then maybe I can find the spark again and keep it ignited longer.
This won't be a long post, mostly because I have work to get done and I had a long night. I can make lots of excuses, but I don't have much to say tonight. My hip hurts, because I do not sit on the couch right, and I don't stretch like I should. I work an office job that keeps me on my ass most of the day, and I only walk my dog on the weekends because there isn't enough time during the week, at least that's the excuse I use because I'm lazy.
I'm slowly learning that taking time to myself, whether that's catching up on shows that have been tabled for a long time. (mostly because I don't remember them enough to go back and watch them.) Or just giving my brain a break from the constant need to be a responsible human adult. That usually entails ice cream, anime, and blankets (as long as the fabric is right).
All of that is important to love and learn the things I want to do. Here's a secret - I love writing, and I don't give a fuck if it gets me anywhere anymore. That used to be a dream, after I got into it. That's an end goal for a lot of writers, even if they didn't get into it for the same reason. I'll be 30 soon, sooner than I ever wanted. I don't want to be stressed out that I didn't go for my dream sooner, maybe I'll make it, maybe I won't, but I want to keep loving writing.
Maybe it will be the gentle push I need to keep myself engaged with it enough to better myself and the writing. Good days and bad days come, getting lost in it doesn't have to happen. Remembering good things like this helps a lot when I think I'm going nowhere. I need to remember that I don't have to go anywhere to love what I do, if I keep that up, then maybe I won't have an existential crisis every other week.
Until next time!