Mood: Bored

Anne here,

I'd like to take a moment to say that it's been a trip being on something that's helping me regulate my moods. I'll let you in on a secret, it's not prescription pills that are helping me, but good old cannabis.

That part about it being a trip has new meaning, right?

Let's be real about it for a second, I've always known the moments in my life where I felt free and happy, because there have been so few. Now that I am regularly smoking again (by the book of the law and nothing less) I have found new meaning in getting comfortable.

I've never been one to be completely relaxed, I'd need to be sedated for that, but smoking gets me closer. I find my mind free of worries, though the worries are still there, I can see them with a more stable mindset than before.

That being said - I've found a new flaw I thought would thrive under this new mindset.

I thought I would be freer to be more motivated in my writing. While it's helped the stress about writing and even helped me organize my thought more when editing, it hasn't helped with motivation like I thought it might.

It's actually gone in the opposite direction.

I've come to realize that I love writing, but I hate being published. That might be an oxymoron. Bear with me.

Now, I have been creative and free thinking in my writing but where it has lacked is getting me over the boredom I have found in the cracks that didn't seem to be there.

I enjoy writing characters and I will always enjoy and appreciate any readers I get but I'm not sure if the new, clearer, mindset has brought it on or if it's always been there, but I don't want my dream to be writing.

I do believe I was always meant to write, I was always meant to get the fun little stories out of my brain, but I don't think being in any professional capacity for it is my path. That being said, I have no clue what my path is.

I'm almost 30 (cue the appropriate gasps) and I don't have a fucking clue. Growing into my personality and getting out of my shell some in the last decade has proved one thing - no one else has a clue either. The ones that do are a rare find. Take my husband for example. He's in school doing what he genuinely loves and has a whole goal lined up, a five - even ten year plan put together. I still feel like a lost kid.

Maybe my 30s will be where I find this elusive "self" I've been promised that comes from the will to keep living. I haven't really had the desire to keep living but using something that gives the chemicals in my brain something to live for has been strange. I find myself less suicidal and thst brings on a new swell of emotions I haven't had before.

Learning I am bored of selling myself and my writing has been emotional on its own. I will always write and I will keep plastering my published works until they fade away, but this isn't my professional path.

Thst being said, I hope my new sense of self is enough to keep writing the fun stories and help me stress less in the long run.

Metal health is important, hell, it changes everything about you. When it's finally in a healthy state, or at least on the right path for it, you can find yourself analyzing everything. Good and bad.

If you like dumb stories that make you laugh and cringe, give my books a try, if not, read my blog and see what stuff I spew next.

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