Inconsistent Consistency

Anne here.


As I write this post, I realize I didn't do anything for this blog last week. Not that it really mattered, there wasn't anyone begging for an update. Nevertheless, I'm back this week and I want to talk about something I find I do a lot in my own life and I something I fear is a permanent trait of mine.


Inconsistent consistency. Otherwise known to me as being extremely consistent, to where if anything is out of place or out of the ordinary, I tend to go into a panic spiral. However, that frame of mind for me is inconsistent. Will it be the whole week, month, a few days? For me it feels like I need to have the consistency or my life will fall a part, but when I spiral down my depressive episodes, the other side of my brain tells me that nothing matters and we're all going to die anyway. Who cares.


I am aware that this isn't a ME issue, like other people are like this, but I wish I wasn't. The consistent part of me says that it's a good thing, that it means stability but I find it more constrictive and forces me into frames of mind I don't want to be in. I've been told by more than one person, one was a licensed mental health physician, that the way I view stability is in fact a survival skill that stems from not having it as a kid. That anytime something goes wrong, when my brain goes into survival mode, even over the tiniest thing, that isn't something that should always happen. I shouldn't have to calculate everything from a grain of rice to how much oil our car has at the moment when something minor happens to us - but I still do.


This is the only way I know to describe the inconsistent consistent parts of me. I have to have the structure my brain craves, that set my nerves on a clean edge. But if I have too much of it, then my brain seems to go into overdrive and all I want to do is throw it all away, start over, and see if the next part will be any better - it's usually not.


It's as if my brain is a full glass of water, filled right up to the rim, and anything more will tip it over. Everyday, I add drops of water to the already full cup of water, hoping it doesn't over flow, but then lines of water start to fall down the sides and I see no other way than to just dump a bunch of water in the cup and ruin the entire thing. Make it overflow and start over. No matter how hard it was to fill that cup in the first place.


Like in most of my posts, I'm not really sure where I've gone with this. It was subject that I thought would have merit but as I've come to the end of my thought process, I find it have very little of anything, merit being the least of all of them. Maybe someone will read this and understand, not there is much to understand in the first place. I like to ramble and it isn't always acceptable around other people who have lives and don't want to hear about the new stuffed animals I just got or the way I make enchiladas. They want small talk that consists of points like the weather, the latest news that dropped, or what I did this weekend.


It's hot. I heard the Olympics just happened. I got coffee, shopped for spooky things to decorate my house, and took a nap or two.


How boring was that? Ask me if I've found any new bands or the bat garland I just put up on my wall in my office. (No I'm not prepping for Halloween, they will not be coming down after the holiday in October, Barbara.)


Anyway, hit the link below if you want to read some free stuff that makes a little more sense than my blog posts.


https://www.inkitt.com/annemarshall

 

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