Updated: Jul 30, 2021
Welcome to my blog where I talk about writing sometimes and nonsense 90% of the time.
This week let's talk about the loneliness of writing by yourself. I'm almost certain I've touched on this subject when I first started this blog, but I knew it would inevitably come around again.
I am not good with connections, writing or otherwise. I am a self absorbed person that thinks the worst out of most situations. That combo doesn't make for a great friend paring. Even the friends I do have, they all live out of state (my own fault for leaving their state and staying away) but I'm lucky enough that I can text them and say anything and it be as if we just hung out. I'm lucky to be close to my sister and my husband as they take the place of normal friend conversations, but I've found myself lacking the writing community.
I'm not sure if it's because I feel behind when it comes to the latest writing issue or reading the most popular artist or even the classics but what friends I try to make in this community dissolve quicker than I can catch them.
Maybe it's my age? I feel stuck in my 20s but I'm nearly out of them and all I find are younger people, late teens, or much older people. I'm too terrified to talk to the people my own age, or anyone, really. It could also be the genre I write in. I love my fantasy, but there isn't enough romance to join those discussions, and it isn't as epic as some of the other fantasy writers like to do. I feel very stuck and lonely.
I thought, however unplanned it was, that maybe this blog could help that. That maybe giving a space to other writers, that isn't discord because that's chaos, that maybe things would turn around. Weeks go by, I keep to my schedule, I talk about nothing in particular, but still the void doesn't call back.
Perhaps it's the way I call out or the fact that I don't update and talk about my personal life very often on social media. I can't be the only one that doesn't like to use social media that much. I barely log into Instagram and I feel guilty about it because I should be updating people that actually look at it, but the other side of the guilt is the knowledge that it won't make a fucking difference.
Maybe I should take the unwarranted advice my mother gave me when I used to go to church. Just ask people to be my friends! It should be that simple! Right?! It's not, it's like calling into the void and expecting an audience when there are people just like you, the ones that do not say anything, sitting and listening but no action, and who could blame them? Not me!
Maybe it's the energy that goes into building a friendship. Maybe I just don't have it in me anymore to start building. Knowing that we won't be in this state after a few years from now, because we're idiots that don't know what they want, makes it harder to build relationships. Knowing that I won't be here forever tells me that I shouldn't make the effort. I've kept connections in the other states I've been in, but when you get the energy to want to go out and get your nails done or hair or something like shopping and you realize you don't have anyone to go with, aside from your husband, it a different kind of loneliness. I don't have an issue doing stuff with my husband, I often find that I don't like to do stuff on my own without him, but I see him all the time. I live with him, sleep with him, eat with him...Friendships are different.
Some days I want this void to swallow me up. For me not to feel the loneliness, the ache, in the back of my mind. I don't want to want people around me. For so long, I was doing just fine without anyone else. Then I got married, got a friend for life, but the void was still there. The void is still there.
Now, to start any sort of friendship would seem so draining that I don't bother and that's my main issue. I love my quiet nights at home, the recharge I get after work by coming on the computer and doing my work. I worry that having another person in my life, no matter how positive, will just add to the stress I let go when I get off work. Other times, I think it would be good to have something that breaks this all up.
I'm not sure where I'm going with this article this week, but the end result should be that loneliness kills but can also be a good thing. I think.
Regardless, if anyone wants a weird friend that will talk trash about strangers, eat their weight in junk food, have pajama sleepovers with movie marathons, and decent taste in music - let me know.