Anne here -
I'd like y'all to keep in mind that I'm writing this on my phone. If there are spelling or other errors, please forgive me.
There's something that's been weighting on me for a very long time.
I'm not proud of myself. I don't know if I ever have been. For years I've been trying to heal, inside and out, but even when I'm doing good, I've never felt pride in it. Maybe that's where I've been going wrong.
I berate myself to the point that it's very hard to believe anything else. I force this alternate trust on myself because I've never felt good enough to receive pride from anyone, let alone myself. I can barely believe people when they say they like my work or that I'm doing a good job.
Even if I do something right, it's not enough for me to give myself a pat on the back because it never feels big enough. It's like I have to do something massive all the time to even think I deserve words of praise. When I think a out it further, it does go back to when I lived with my parents. Nothing was ever good enough for them, or they weren't around, or we couldn't express our emotions enough to be comforting toward each other. My parents were emotionally stunted growing up, which, in turn, gave birth to two kids that had to deal with their emotions by themselves. Forced to isolate, we knew nothing else.
So pride isn't something that comes easily but I need to change that. No on else is going to do it for me. Having pride in myself is the first step in helping not only my healing process, however unorganized that is, but it will help me have more confidence in my writing. If I can do all of that, then maybe I can actually make my dream of being a decent writer come true.
As long as I keep in mind that my writing isn't going to be for everyone, just like I don't like everyone's writing. Having favorites is fine, being mean to the ones you don't like, isn't. Something I'm learning to process, because people shouldn't be mean to me either.
How I'm going to do this, I have no freaking clue. I know mentally it needs to start by getting evaluated with the possibility of getting on medication so thst maybe I don't want to kill myself.
I know for writing I'm looking into doing those master classes and learning from some famous writers in the field. I've been making time to read more, and I want to start taking more comprehensive notes that should help me later on, it's getting started on them that's the hurtle for me. Maybe after implementing those things and learning more, I can gain something more than pride in myself.
Healing yourself, no matter what you're doing, is a long process. Beating yourself up over the time and effort of the process is counterproductive. I know that now, no matter how obvious it is to anyone else.
Be proud of your healing journey because sometimes all you have is yourself, and you need to be proud of yourself.