This weekend has been good, better than I have had in a while. I'm not talking about out side sources that might stress me out but about my thoughts and metal stability. Now, in saying that, I didn't have a great Friday. I felt myself slipping. However, as I sit here and type this up, I feel a little weightless.
Maybe because I've started to plot out things for edits and changes in finished books and new projects. I feel a little free knowing that I've focused on something that will eventually help me in the future. I know it sounds small and minor and something that can be easily done but it feels like a mountain I've finally climbed.
As this good feeling comes, I need to hold onto it so that when I have the bad days, I still have the progress from the good days. Getting on track like this felt really far away, a dream. Again, I understand how simple this stuff may seem to anyone else, and it is simple. My brain just saw it as a massive hurtle but a few good days can save you.
Don't knock the feeling of getting things done early and ahead of schedule. I've got both chapters done for live updates, days before they were due (my own schedule) and I've got this post done way before it's time to release it. This leaves room for new projects and new ideas and being able to organize my thoughts and notes. Maybe that's why I'm having such a good day today, and hope to have a good one tomorrow.
Having a clear head is amazing. Not having obsessive thoughts of body dysmorphia, even for a few hours, is amazing. Not having harmful thoughts, just for a few days, is the goal, but I know without help and medication, that's not always possible. So, I'm taking today and tomorrow and really holding on tightly to the freeing feeling of mental burdens and getting shit done that's been on the to-do list for too long.
Yes this blog post is about me having a good day. Will all my posts be about my mental health and how it is dealing with it? Maybe. I do hope to get back into dissecting the different series I have posted and what they'll look like in the future. The notes I'm working on are a jumbled mess, but I can at least read them, that's all that matters.
I'm hoping to make this year a turning point for me. Better late than never! I've got a lot of good things coming, like an evaluation in April, to start. I have to remember not to be too hard on myself but also keep myself responsible for actions done while I have bad days. A few good days do not erase any of the bad, it just makes it feel a little better before another downfall. Building up is hard because staying in the low parts is too familiar and safe but it can be debilitating.
I've only shared a tiny bit of that darkness with my husband recently. I know it isn't right to keep things from spouses, or people that are involved in your life, but it's very hard for me to share these things. Especially if I think any one will judge me for my actions/thoughts. I shouldn't have been surprised when he responded with support, but my brain tricks me into thinking that if I share about anything, they'll commit me. I have such a fear of that, it's crippled my sharing ability, even though I know hospitals like that help people. Seeing my mother in places like that probably did more negative things to me than I would like to admit.
If I can tell myself everything in my head is a lie, then maybe I can have more better days like today. A few good days is enough to get me back on track. I'll allow myself to fall back into my normal schedule and deal with the down days as they come but I'm enjoying the good one while it lasts.
Until next time!